Life Tales: How my father's death affected me for the rest of my life.

 " I was my dad's favorite until he passed on, infact he passed in my arms. He was bedridden and as usual I was rubbing powder on his upper body for him to feel fresh, he held my hands tightly for some seconds and breathed last.

My mum called the doctor who came and confirmed him d.ead. I thought it was something reversible until he was lowered into his grav.e.

Somehow I was emotionally stronger than my mom and my siblings, I was the one who has the motivations to give and all that. I didn't grief so much, I felt hardened and I still do not know why.

After a year, I began to feel his demise as though he had just passed. I would always lock myself up and cry out my heart. I thought I was gonna be alright but I kept feeling this emptiness and loneliness.

I tried making friends, it was hard for me cos I was an introvert but at least I landed myself into one rubbish relationship. I thought moving out, drinking, getting my mind occupied etc would help me heal but it didn't.

I had appendicitis and my mum was so scared for me to go for surgery, the fear of loosing any of us was allover her but as weeks went by, the pains increased and we were left with no other option.

I went in for surgery, I was given an anesthetic and I went into deep sleep. I saw myself in a narrow road moving forward cluelessly, then I saw my dad in a big mansion painted white all through.

He was standing at the last floor of that building and sighted me. He looked much younger, more handsome, fairer and fresher. I was so happy to see him and was expecting him to open the gate for me. 

His countenance changed when he saw me, he shouted at me in a frightening voice and asked me to go back home. Immediately I went cold and shrinked,  He never raised his voice on me while he was alive.

I began to cry, begging him to please open the gate for me. I even began to emotionally blackmail him by reminding him that It was me, his grandmother ooo, his favorite oo, his rising sun in the dawn etc.

He didn't say a word to me, he backed me for some seconds and then went inside where I could no longer sight him and I sat down outside the gate with my head bowed, crying. After I cried to no avail, I stood up and started going back that same narrow road I came from.

I woke up very annoyed and still sobbing. My mum and sister were crying too and begging me to stay with them. It was a very emotional moment for us, I felt so betrayed by my dad, I hated him so much in my heart at that moment.

When I felt better, my sister showed me a recorded video of me crying and begging my dad to open the gate for me. Turned out I was saying those words out physically in tears and my mom was asking me in tears why I never thought of her, is she not important to me?

I recovered quite rapidly and I resumed to my normal life. That experience during surgery made it more dawned on me that my dad was actually gone and he's in a better place.

It's been 10years now, I'm married with two kids and I'm still traumatized. I hate attending funerals because I end up crying more than the bereaved and that ends up ruining my whole day. My husband doesn't allow me go to funerals alone because of it.

I can't stand the sound of siren from an ambulance anywhere. It breaks me, I just begin to cry no matter how hard I try to control it, most times it's embarrassing. 

When I was about getting married different dates were fixed to perform the rites, I cried on each one of them. Why is it not my dad playing the role our village head was playing?

While I was buying fabrics for my mom, siblings, asoebi train and all that...for a second, I remembered I wasn't buying fabrics for my dad and tears rolled down my cheeks immediately.

On my wedding night I was so happy only to wake the next morning with memories of how my late dad and I used to fantasize of my wedding and that ruined my day.

I cried from the hotel to the church wedding and back. My husband already knew what was going on with me and how uncontrollable it is for me. All my church wedding pictures and videos came out with my eyes so red and tears on my cheeks.

Whenever I hit an achievement, I cry because my dad isn't there to share in my joy. When I give birth, I wish I could call him and tell him about it and call him grandpa. I imagine the joy and brim of smiles it would bring him...

On the other hand, I wonder how hard it would have been for me if I had married wrongly. Probably this pain would have driven me nuts or taken me away.

My husband has been the best man and a father to me, he understands my pain and helps me snap out of it whenever I'm drowning in it. He definitely would have loved my dad

I don't know if this pain will ever go away, I don't know why it's this heavy on me, I wonder how my mum has been coping knowing how close they were as husband and wife. 

My dad must be feeling so lonely in that big white mansion, why didn't he just stay? Why didn't he think of his beautiful wife, children and the happy home we had? I hope someday, this pain truly goes away".

 

Credit: Facebook|The Humans of Abuja